...only it's purer

[originally posted 07/31/2011 to now-defunct iWeb blog]

Recap: “Beyond all my book learnin’ and such, the take-away from this meta-analysis of grad school is one of a refiner’s fire. Grad school sucked everything out of my life except for grad school. I was able to boil down over the past two years the bits I’d really like to take back. [...] What grad school did was refine my list of what really really matters. When I finally got a break, what did I want to do? When I decided to blow off my research on Saturday afternoon, who did I want to spend time with? When I’m done and it’s all behind me now, what made it to the top of the list of things that matter most to me?”

Refining consists of purifying an impure material, in most cases metal. The final material is usually identical chemically to the original one...only it is purer.

Thanks, Wikipedia. Again, impressive research skills brought to you by grad school. My thesis has nothing on this blog post. I can google an answer before you even realize what you’re asking. I’ll relish that fact as I write student loan checks for the next 35 years, I’m sure of it.

Back to the refining idea: In a way, it’s an exciting feeling. It’s almost like I had a huge moving sale and thousands of people drove away with all my clutter. As I walk back into an empty house and look around, I realize that I have ultimate freedom. I have ultimate freedom as to what I put, and don’t put, back into the space. So what makes it in?

• My core friends. A large extended social network is a given (and I look forward to reconnecting with all sorts of people I’ve lost touch with), but I’ve come to deeply love core people that I realize I can’t live without. I plan to love them like crazy from here on out.
• Spiritual space and room to breathe. This aspect of my life has ebbed and flowed freely over the years, but I’m at my best when I cultivate a connection to something beyond myself. Most would assume that translates into a religious context, but no, it’s so much more than that. Introspection, nature, social justice work, regular yoga practice, creative outlets, like-minded radicals, volunteering...it’s all spiritual to me because it all feeds my spirit.
• Weekend brunch. No one should have to explain to you, gentle reader, the glory that is al fresco breakfast food.
• Emotional availability. I haven’t been available at all. I know that. My friends and family know that. I like to be available. I thrive when I am. I’m working my way back into that.
• The. Gym. I sincerely miss the feeling of enjoying getting dressed in the morning...or getting undressed at night, for that matter. *clears throat* Enough said.
• Reading. Not text books, not academic journals, not the literature wonk of the wonk field blah. I mean reading stuff I want to read for no reason other than I want to read it. It may be a magazine. It may be friends blogs in google reader. It may be hefty nonfiction. It may be a trashy novel or Rainn Wilson’s tweets. It doesn’t matter. What does matter is that it was not assigned to me and a 20-page paper is not pending.
• Creativity. I’ve felt like a creative black hole for a long time and I’m so over it. Blogging. Photography. Traveling with my big camera/lenses. Designing my new condo. Painting. Movies. Community festivals. Creative writing (you wanna talk about something that gets beat out of you in grad school). Live music and my dirty feet dancing in the ampitheatre grass. All of it. I know what that creative spark feels like, and it’s been fleeting at best for years now.
• Vacations. Travel that is unrelated to work. I shouldn’t have to explain this.

That’s enough. Of course this list is not comprehensive. It’s not meant to be. It is meant to articulate a starting point. As I piece my once-awesome life back together, and heal the violent experience of grad school, this list holds my touchstones.

This one time, in graduate school...

[originally posted 07/31/2011 to now-defunct iWeb blog]

I’ve had a thought floating around my head for a while now. Say, for over a year, give or take. The thought? Graduate school is violent. Rephrase: Graduate school was a violent experience for me. And it was partially my fault.

Violent? Violent.

As in, destructive. Forceful. Maddening. Severe. Harsh. Tumultuous. Distressing. Overwhelming. Disturbing. Struggle. Marked by extreme and sudden intense activity.

As in, not gentle, peaceful, moderate, still, or controlled.

Thanks, Thesaurus.com and Merriam-Webster, for providing articulate inspiration. I know, it’s all those astute research skills I learned in graduate school.

Of course there were amazing experiences. Of course there were amazing people that have since become true friends. Of course there were amazing texts and lectures and ah-ha moments. Of course. But guess what? I don’t want to talk about those today. Nope. I just don’t. Today I want to get this whole violence train of thought out of my head and move on.

To clarify, grad school did not exist in a vacuum. I was appointed Interim Director of my organization on the same day I started classes. After months of interviews and search committee machinations, I was offered the full Director position. Suddenly, at age 28, I went from program manager to The Boss with seven professional staff and a 1/2 million dollar budget. I was still consulting for a national/federal organization in D.C. and traveling all over the country every few weeks. Then I decided to buy a condo and become a first time homeowner. I had nothing else going on, after all.

So when I say “violent” I mean the entire experience writ large, as in, the last two years of my life in general. So when I say “destructive. Forceful. Maddening. Severe. Harsh. Tumultuous. Distressing. Overwhelming. Disturbing. Struggle. Marked by extreme and sudden intense activity...” I mean exactly that.

My health - mental, emotional, physical, social, and spiritual - suffered and declined greatly over the past two years. That’s part of the violence I’m referring to. It was a violent time in my life marked by extreme and sudden intense activity...activity that was unbalanced and unhealthy. The word “violence” also works because I genuinely feel that I have to heal from the experience. I regret the way I handled it, but I also didn’t know how else to do it. With everything that I had going on, I retreated into survival mode and powered through with my blinders on. There were plenty of savvier, more well-balanced people in my cohort who may read this and wonder what I’m rambling on about. They may have had an entirely different experience and wonder why I was so incapable of balancing life. That’s okay. I’m not dwelling on it and making comparisons to anyone else; I’m simply naming it, acknowledging how I handled it, and moving on.

Beyond all my book learnin’ and such, the take-away from this meta-analysis of grad school is one of a refiner’s fire. Grad school sucked everything out of my life except for grad school. I was able to boil down over the past two years the bits I’d really like to take back. Everyone who knows me knows that I’m hyper-engaged in...anything and everything I do. I’m a busy person and I fill my life with stuff I love doing, seeing, tasting, experiencing... What grad school did was refine my list of what really really matters. When I finally got a break, what did I want to do? When I decided to blow off my research on Saturday afternoon, who did I want to spend time with? When I’m done and it’s all behind me now, what made it to the top of the list of things that matter most to me?

Enter: Next Post.

Rekindling an old flame

When I broke up with blogger and then started an iWeb site instead, I did so mainly because I was bored, wanted a challenge, and needed the creative outlet that designing in iWeb provides. Or rather, provided. Past tense being the operative element in that statement. If I understand correctly, with the advent of Apple's iCloud, iWeb is going the way of the buffalo. Cest la vie.

So. Here we are, Blogger, awkwardly running into each other. In the produce section. At 11:47pm. Me in Uggs with no makeup sans bra. You with your bevy of shiny new widgets. You look good. Are you well? I see you've made a lot of changes. I'm proud of you. The time apart worked well for both of us, it would seem.

Rather, it worked well for blogger. I was the moron with the bright idea of starting a new blog in the midst of full-time work, full-time grad school, and constant business travel. Oopsie. All told, I spent a handful of hours taking advantage of the creative design capabilities...but only posted about 30 times in well over a year. Blahblah. I'm back on the blogger bandwagon. No sense looking back.

Except, there are a few posts I want to transfer and use specifically as the jumping off point for future blogging adventures. With that in mind...here goes...

No more blogger. Follow me to my new site...

Remember when I mused about breaking up with blogger? Well, the time has come.

I'm more or less prepared to roll out my new website. It combines this blog and my photography blog. I know that I will endlessly tweak it, but it's good enough to make the switch and begin to grow into that site.

I understand that very few people visit actual websites anymore, what with RSS and Twitter and all, but nonetheless, design is really important to me. I hope people will bounce on the actual site at least every now and then; fully realizing that most people will simply subscribe to the three different RSS feeds embedded in the site. Even if the design shouts into the void, I'll continue to play with the site and the look/feel of it. I enjoy it and, after all, it's one of the main reasons I'm leaving blogger.

Join me: http://web.me.com/fourthirtyam/mymadeleines/base_camp.html

Blogger, it's not you. It's me.

Blogger, we need to talk. It's time. I've been flirting with the idea for a while now and that's not fair. My attention has been elsewhere and I haven't treated you how you deserve to be treated. You deserve better. You deserve someone who loves you for who you are. I can't force myself to fall back in love with you. I'm sorry to hurt you, but I'm in love with iWeb. I've changed and I've grown over the past few years and, we've talked about this, you never changed or grew with me. I'm not asking you to be anything but what you are, and I know you'll find billions of users who are highly compatible with you. We had a good run, but we're over.

Coming soon...a brand new blog. Brand new URL/RSS feed. Brand new design. my madeleines and madeleines written with light combined into one uber website. Stay tuned.